So R.E.M. have broken up.

I’m more than a little devastated by this news. I’m all out of sorts. 

When I was 17, when my life and eveyrthing in it seemed shit, there were three bands that kept me even a little optimistic: Foo Fighters, Nirvana and R.E.M.
It was around the time I started to get really transfixed by the idea of America and all the freedom it represented in my mind. Thinking of the moors, and all their vast open space was inextricably linked with thoughts of America and its thousands of miles of vast open space.. so when I went to the moors I would be listening to one of those three bands and I could be there.. I could be in America and nothing could hurt or bother me when I was out there in all those miles of nothing. 

Bruce was there somewhere too. And Bob had been there in years before and would come again after… but those three bands had it tied up in my mind in that time. The bond with that feeling and those bands is so strong that I can feel it even now.

And now, I live in America. The dream came true. And now, R.E.M. are done. 
I feel like they lead me out here and then jumped ship.

I’m all out of sorts. God, I owe them a lot.  

So I requested a room change

Please work please work please work.

Just so I can stop feeling like I am in some kind of limbo here and actually start ENJOYING all of it. 

Bovey Castle, Dartmoor.
Flora by Gucci

Will forever smell like my room in Norfolk Terrace, CO.

Looking in the mirror over my sink. Dark room lit with just one poxy lamp. 

Amy or Alice or Becca coming in the door behind me to see if I’m ready to go to Suffolk Terrace. To see if I’m ready to start drinking.

I never want to forget the less than beautiful nights I associate with this beyond beautiful scent.  

What’s he got that I haven’t got? He’s good-looking, I suppose, even as a heterosexual man I can make an objective assessment and say that he’s good-looking, and mysterious, and cocky, and irresponsible, and not particularly clean, and all those things that women pretend not to like, but obviously do.
 Brian Jackson in Starter For Ten
   author, David Nicholls

In my early-teenage years I remember there being such a prevalence, in books, tv and movies, of the worry over young girls determinedly not eating. I know this is a very serious and real concern for many people but I never suffered from it, at that time.

I recall that the theory postulated by these books and special TV episodes was that not eating was a matter of control. I never understood that but I was a young girl with a healthy appetite and had no eating issues as far as I could tell.

I just realised that I have been starving myself recently for the very reasons that I once could not understand.

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11 plays

Why’re you scared?
You’ll never change what’s been and gone

'Cause all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You’ll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

This song is one of the few things keeping me sane. Those lyrics are so appropriate I’m not sure I could handle all of this without them. 

Now officially going to URI alone

I mean, that is pretty much how I always thought of it.. but now the guy I knew who was going with me has dropped out.

Really freaking out now. Absolutely petrified. 9 days. 

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